How to support parents who aren't aging gracefully

My wife and I are experiencing the mid-life crunch. It’s those “sandwich years” when you are trying to raise your children and take care of aging parents. It is the ultimate trial by fire in which your world is turned entirely upside down and there is no user manual to guide you through system setup, calibration or troubleshooting. 

There is no form of psychological torture devised by man that I could point to as a fair equivalent. For those that have lived through the crunch or are going through it now, you know exactly what I am talking about.

Without wading too deep into the details, my parents have experienced numerous health challenges that have put them at odds regarding what living situation will work best for them now and in the future. When advocating for one, the other ultimately feels left out or ignored. It has become a constant struggle for control, independence and attention. As a result, this has created significant tension for them and the rest of the family.

Having been in the thick of this sandwich for nearly ten years, I have learned some tremendous life lessons along the way. I also find myself constantly pondering some of life’s more nebulous questions.

Why didn’t my parents have more foresight in preparing for their sunset years?

How do I give my own kids the attention they need when caring for my parents can be so completely consuming?

What am I being prepared for (because it better be pretty damn HUGE)?

When I look back, will I feel that I did everything I could to support them?

How do I care for myself when it seems like everyone around me is in need?

What did I do in a prior life to deserve this?

There are no easy answers to these questions which probably explains the absence of a user manual. Nobody’s experience is exactly like anyone else’s. Thus, we are left to our own devices to navigate one of the most tumultuous periods of our lives. Even when you have a strong village around you, it can get very lonely.

So what have I learned?

At the end of the day, there really are two types of people in this world

At a time when everyone is so focused on self-expression and identification, dealing with parents who are in their sunset years has made me realize that the multitude of individual personas we try and maintain early in life begin to narrow considerably as we age. Later in life, I have found that two personas become dominant:

The “forward mover” and the “glorifier of past victories.”

The forward mover is someone who is more accepting of the aging process and tries to live every moment with purpose. They are much better at adapting to the physical and cognitive changes they cannot control. These individuals are more apt to plan for the uncertainty ahead and, in turn, will be less jolted when things do not go according to plan. Having an open mind is a key attribute as forward movers look at each day as an opportunity to learn and keep themselves in motion. They are defined by both perseverance and acceptance. They focus outward on family, friends and experiences which fuels their need for and realization of purpose.

The glorifier of past victories tends to struggle with the aging process. They have a need to control outcomes which makes it increasingly difficult to accept the physiological changes that are inevitable. They don’t just focus this lens on themselves but also on those around them. As things fall more and more outside their span of control, fear and uncertainty become a driving force. Their actions and reactions become more emotionally charged as they struggle to maintain relevance. 

Instead of seeing things for what they are and what they could become, a glorifier prefers to live in the past. Denial and a need to be revered for past accomplishments are common traits. Unlike the forward mover, a glorifier focuses inward on their own needs and wants. They tend to seek attention and are more easily consumed by a self-image that is no longer congruent with their current reality.

If you are fortunate enough to have aging parents who are forward movers, consider yourself in the small minority. You have won the lottery…and the rest of us hate you! 

For the vast majority of us, we are forced to navigate the minefield created by the glorifier of past victories. These are the parents who seem to fight you…and reason…at every step. Nobody is going to tell them what they can’t do or shouldn’t do. Trying to get them to accept any state of diminished capacity is akin to pulling the teeth of a grizzly bear (that has not been tranquilized).

If you haven’t yet experienced the crunch, get ready for the fun times ahead.

If you try and make everyone happy, you will end up making nobody happy

One of the most brutal aspects of living in the sandwich years is thinking that being a good problem solver and communicator will enable you to avoid the family drama that so often arises. There are very few times in life, especially corporate life, where everyone has an opinion and so few of them actually align.

I’m going to give myself some credit. My wife and I have done a remarkable job in raising two well adjusted teenage boys during some pretty insane times. Yet, this in no way translates to helping my mother and stepfather age-in-place when they both have completely different ideas of what that means. 

In short, I have two parents who didn’t agree on key decisions about how and where they would spend their sunset years, resulting in a pile of $#!+ for the rest of us to clean up. You guessed it, it’s messy! Alliances are quick to form and the proverbial pot is too easily stirred.

I think the best analog for this dynamic is the current political discourse in this country. If you are too rational, you risk being viewed as uncaring and out-of-touch. If you are too emotional, you appear tribal and ready to torpedo long standing relationships without attempting to understand someone else’s point of view. I’m not saying one is always right and the other always wrong. Most of the time, the intentions are good but the execution is poor. 

It’s just messy!

What this means is that trying to please everyone is a pipe dream. Best to disabuse yourself of that right now and focus on what you think is best in supporting your parents. I’m not suggesting that you disregard other points of view but I am saying that at some point you have to drown out the noise…as close to home as it may be.

You may have family members or even friends disagree with you and some of them may even become the figurative sniper in the clocktower, taking pot shots at anything you do to help. You might also experience friendly fire. This is when the people you are trying to help turn on you or resist your assistance. The best you can do is put on that armor and fight the good fight.

You don’t know everything, nor do your parents, so make sure to build a village

When supporting parents who are not willing or able to accept their limitations, the most important thing you can do for them and yourself is to enlist help. If you have siblings, make sure they are engaged. Don’t hesitate to pull in aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Although it may require significant effort to facilitate communication, logistics and transparency in the short term, it will pay huge dividends in the long run. Ensuring your parents are surrounded by people they trust, who are willing and able to tell them the truth, will make the hard transitions infinitely easier.

You also need to make sure your parents are getting the care they need. In our case, we have helped our parents build a network of psychologists, psychiatrists, caregivers and care managers in addition to the myriad of health specialists they would see regularly. This was no easy task. It took ten years, a lot of resources and tremendous persistence. 

We were lucky, our parents could afford this level of care. The unfortunate reality is that most cannot. This makes it that much more important to ensure that aging parents are taking full advantage of the healthcare resources available to them. The village becomes essential in helping you and your parents communicate consistently and accurately with their care providers.

Care providers often become critical advocates for those who are aging. They are trained to see things that we cannot. They can be the voice of reason that moves them to action whereas your voice so easily gets drowned out or dismissed. Most importantly, they can be viewed as impartial experts while you and other family members might be viewed as having individual agendas.

Supporting your parents through the aging process is difficult in the best circumstances. When differences of opinion, strong emotions and outright denial are involved, it can turn a family inside out. You can try to accommodate everyone’s concerns and you will fail. Some relationships will be severely tested and some may change forever. However, the village you help build to support your parents will ultimately support you. 

Planning is everything

My parents built a successful business together. During this part of their journey, they were amazing partners. Yet, they were never fully aligned on key decisions later in life including but not limited to downsizing, estate planning and ongoing care needs. Because of this, they kicked the proverbial can down the road and failed to plan for major life considerations until their health began to deteriorate.

It wasn’t until many years after my mother had a major stroke that she and my stepfather ratified a will or even discussed powers-of-attorney. This was after over two decades of marriage. Doing this planning when one or both parents is operating at diminished capacity is not only less than optimal, it can lead to suspicion and distrust. When emotions are involved, no matter how well intentioned, this can easily become toxic for other family members.

You’ve probably heard the saying “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”. When it comes to planning for late life eventualities, this couldn’t be any more true. Although I would never advocate any child involve themselves in their parents’ estate planning, I do strongly recommend that you ask them about it and reaffirm the importance of having one in place. 

Getting an early understanding of your parents’ desires when it comes to aging and ongoing care and insisting they have an end-of-life plan may be uncomfortable at first but it will save much headache and heartache down the road.

Care for yourself

As an only child, I have found myself in a unique position while advocating for my mother. I have become a source of animosity and suspicion to some who don’t know her as well as I do but think they should. Hurtful things have been done and said out of emotion and ignorance. My motivations have been called into question. My character has been called into question. Simply for supporting my mother in living the best life she can right now.

Worse yet, I have had to question the love and support of certain family members who have chosen to target me instead of acknowledging the reality right in front of them. It has been both excruciating and infuriating. Yet, I also realize that they are dealing with the same pain only processing it differently. 

Aging is neither pretty nor graceful. It impacts us all differently. We each have our own way of coming to terms with it. This creates turbulence. Making sure to care for yourself amidst the shake is so important.

In my case, I have an amazing wife who has lifted me up through every phase of this crunch we find ourselves in. We have built an incredible village which has taken on so much of our burden. We are surrounded by family and friends who provide us constant moral support. I have leaned into my kids as they have proven to be unbelievably intuitive and generous far beyond their years. I know I am not alone and this gives me the energy to persevere.

One more critical aspect of caring for yourself is tuning out the naysayers. To continue moving forward, you have to believe in what you are doing. Enough so, that you are willing to shut out the criticism of those who may not be capable of understanding your intentions or seeing the bigger picture. It’s not easy but you have to do it if you want to maintain your self-confidence, not to mention your presence of mind.

This isn’t about you. It isn’t about other family members or friends. It’s about the parents you are supporting.

They call it the mid-life CRUNCH for a reason

Negotiating the trials and tribulations of aging parents while raising two children and managing individual careers has presented endless challenges. My wife and I share a lot of gallows humor to maintain our sanity. We are still in the thick of it. We know better than to ask “what next?”

Because there always is a next!

Our mid-life crunch has been and continues to be a crash course in strategy, communication, collaboration, negotiation, and conflict management. I mean seriously, who needs an MBA when you have family!

It has also been a life lesson in mental endurance, pain tolerance, acceptance and steadfastness. Although it never resulted in a six-pack, I guess all that ab work I did in my 20’s and 30’s is finally paying off. The crunch will put you through the grinder if you let it.

As you think about caring for aging parents, just keep the following in mind…

Our personas become much more primal as we age

If you try to make everyone happy, you will fail

You don’t know everything and neither do your parents

Planning early eliminates pain later

Always, always take care of yourself

These are just a few of the lessons I have learned along the way. What lessons have you learned and how would you add to this list?