Building Value by Living Your Values

This is the final article in a three-part series exploring how the relationships we form in our personal lives can and should determine how we show up in our professional lives. Building a strong organization starts at home.

In this article, I summarize five key lessons my marriage has taught me about building a business. Creating value begins with your values.

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Show up authentically

Many of us operate with two identities. 

We maintain a private persona for friends and family. Yet we project a different persona in our work. There is a reason that we keep ourselves at arm’s length from our colleagues. It’s  because anything more requires that we trust others and that makes us vulnerable. Trust requires substantial personal commitment and investment which exposes us to risks we cannot foresee or control. Instead of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, we feel the need to project strength and knowledge at all times, which leaves us less open to meaningful growth and change.

This was certainly true for me. 

Yet, I have a life partner who kept me honest and chipped away at my facade until I could no longer maintain it. She showed me that if we attempt to separate who we are at home from who we are at work, we will never achieve our full potential. More importantly, it helped me reshape a faulty perception that I was defined more by what I did outside the home than what I did inside of it. 

I knew I was on a journey with unknown destinations in my future. Through her perspective, my wife helped me realize two very important things. 

First, I was not traveling alone. 

Second, the exploration and discovery ahead would not be nearly as rewarding if I could not be my authentic self at all times.

There is a lesson here for companies.

In order to maximize the potential of any organization, it is critical for its people to feel like they can bring the same energy, integrity and commitment to their environment as they do at home.

Enjoy the journey

It’s easy to become so consumed by what we are trying to accomplish that we fail to enjoy the trials, tribulations and little wins we experience along the way. Early in my career I was chasing a version of success that I had formed as a child. It was my father’s success. Something I learned largely from afar, having only spent summers and holidays with him.

It took me years to fully accept that although my father and I shared many traits in common, we were two different people. Chasing his accomplishments left a nasty aftertaste. I was always striving for perfection, which caused me to be dissatisfied with anything less. The joy of successfully attaining a lofty goal, getting a big promotion or being recognized for a job well done quickly subsided and left a void only to be temporarily filled by the next accomplishment.

Having a family fundamentally changed my outlook. 

It forced me to see the world from a different perspective - my wife’s. Having two sons together and overcoming more than our fair share of unexpected hurdles, we’ve learned to appreciate the twists and turns. 

Changing our perspective to see the bumps in the road as opportunities for growth and improvement has made all the difference. It has allowed us to more easily adjust to things that are outside of our control and focus on the things we can. Instead of becoming obsessively focused on where we want to be as parents, spouses or career professionals, it has given us a deep appreciation for where we are.

I failed to realize a crucial fact before my wife came into my life. Our journey determines the relationships we build and how we build them. This is just as true inside our business structures. Keeping an open mind, staying curious and looking to grow with others is the single biggest precursor to building a strong organization.

Enjoying the “how” is just as important as getting to the “why.” Having people that you can share the journey with, is the proverbial icing on the cake.

Don’t sweat the small stuff but stay aligned on the big things

When choosing a life partner, it’s important to agree and continually reassess the BIG things. 

These are the shared life goals that keep your relationship centered on your values and aspirations. This enables you to navigate the uncertainty that every marriage faces with things like careers, family, friends, faith and life stage planning to name a few. This tacit agreement provides our strategic roadmap.

In turn, your roadmap ensures long term alignment. It allows you to weather the inevitable storms to come. It also keeps you grounded when you start flying too high. Establishing and maintaining this alignment ensures you have a strong advocate as well as a reality check when you need it most.

Building a strong organization requires similar alignment. 

You must establish trust and shared experience by staying focused on where you want to be and not just where you are in the moment. It requires significant commitment and a certain level of selflessness to truly have someone else’s back….and trust that they have yours.

At times, you have to make personal sacrifices for one another. 

By not letting individual goals and desires distract us from what we are building in partnership together, my wife and I have given each other the confidence to take risks. We can challenge the status quo in ways that promote growth without fear of retribution or retrenchment. Having a shared roadmap, gives us the ability to overcome unforeseen obstacles and stay focused on the journey ahead.

Communicate! Especially when it’s hard

My wife and I have gone through our highs and lows like everyone else. As with any close partnership, there is a natural ebb and flow. There are times when your desires and motivations as individuals push you apart and times when they pull you together. Constant communication gives us the flexibility to manage these changes while continuing to move forward as individuals who are building something special together. 

We have employed a form of Radical Candor. This is a term coined by Kim Scott, which has become a popular management philosophy around giving feedback. In its essence, radical candor is a communication style in which you care personally but challenge directly. In our home, it means we can talk about anything but still feel like we are in a safe place.  Celebrating the wins can be just as important as diagnosing the losses. But the crucial part is being able to speak clearly, specifically and sincerely about those things that make you most uneasy. That is the power of true communication.

This higher level of communication is uncommon in organizations. Most people feel vulnerable sharing their uncomfortable truths. The tendency is to gloss over them until they become too big to ignore. At this point, your options for resolution are usually limited. All too often, organizations cannot distinguish the symptoms of a problem from its root cause. This inevitably leads to inefficiency and ineffectiveness.

Building anything that lasts requires a level of openness, honesty and personal investment. We must remove our resistance to being vulnerable. This is true, whether it’s a family, an organization or a culture. The goal is for all parties to see the feedback loop as positive even when it involves constructive criticism. Ultimately, this dynamic tells you how good you really are at communicating.

Trust requires mutual respect and shared experience

When my wife and I said our vows, neither of us realized that we were in for the ride of our lives. Yes, we had a good sense of the person we were marrying. But pretty much everything else required “on the job” learning. As two highly independent, naturally competitive and professionally driven people, it felt like we were both merging in the fast lane with a major blind spot. At times, it seemed like a car crash was inevitable.

Yet aligning around shared values and long term goals promotes deep mutual respect. 

This has given us the ability to navigate a seemingly endless number of obstacles - from being all-consumed by work, to being out of work. From struggling to carve out quality time for one another to enduring a year of lockdown. From managing logistics for two children with non-stop activities to adapting to online learning with two children always at home. 

The first key is mutual respect. Mutual respect makes you blind to status, pedigree or position. It allows you to see each other as equals. 

However, building trust takes more than just mutual respect, it requires you to share in the other’s  journey. You must open yourself to the experience of others and see things from their point of view. At times, you have to be willing to adapt your perceptions and actions when they come into conflict with those sharing the journey with you. 

But there is another key as well. Shared experience enables you to embrace the success of others as if it was your own. It’s not a quality that all leaders possess but it is essential when you are building something that is bigger than you.

There’s no great mystery why people are quitting their jobs in record numbers. The single biggest reason is working for a bad manager. In the midst of extreme uncertainty, people have simply come to the conclusion that life is too short. Many managers do not have the training or lack the capacity to establish trust with their employees. They are ill-prepared to operate with the humility and patience required to truly see others as equals. Instead, they see the journey through their own blinders and cannot embrace the experience of others. For too many of today’s leaders, relationships are one-way…

Their way.

The strongest cultures are built on trust. The strongest organizations have leaders who see trust as a two-way street. It is grounded in mutual respect and shared experience.

Redefining value creation based on the values that define us at home

Building a successful family, business or organization requires serving those that you want to impact the most. It requires building value.

In business, the traditional focus of building value has always been on the “what.” That means the product, the service, the output that creates value for the customer or stakeholder…or is expected to in the future. All too often this value is created through brutal efficiency. Worse, the outcomes benefit some to the detriment of others. Greed and self-interest become the unspoken dancing partners to growth and shareholder value.

At home, the focus is much more on the “how.” That means the way we connect with others, motivate one another, overcome challenges together and build each other into our best selves. The outcomes are important. But the process for achieving them is equally important. Value is created through self-sacrifice, trust and mutual support.

At home, we learn that building anything of lasting value requires you to be an individual who is part of a larger unit. Nothing equips you better than the values, passion and commitment you bring to your personal life. Nothing supports or challenges you more than those relationships we form at home.

The greatest value we create starts with our personal values.

The most “successful” people in this emerging world will be those who align the two. Whether employees, executive leaders, individuals, it is time to redefine happiness and success. Ironically, the way forward is to simply apply the basic principles we seem to have forgotten. Things like communication, respect and authenticity are not just words. They are universal truths. More importantly, they are the key to unlocking the fulfillment and impact that everyone today is so desperately seeking. 

It’s time to challenge ourselves to start living these principles, whether at home or at work.

Who wants to join me?