I have a life partner that is my opposite and what that tells me about building a business

This is the second in a three-part series exploring how the relationships we form in our personal lives can and should determine how we show up in our professional lives. Building a strong organization starts at home.

This article explores the lessons we have learned in our marriage that apply to building a successful business.

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Partnering with your opposite actually provides a model for organizational culture building.

I married someone who is black and white while I am shades of gray. My wife is the consummate planner in everything she does whereas I am much more comfortable taking risks and going with the flow. I am the quintessential optimist and she is much more skeptical. I am naturally forgiving and she holds a grudge.

My wife is less comfortable taking professional leaps until she has mastered everything there is to know. I have a tendency to jump into the deep end without always looking to see if any “DO NOT SWIM” signs have been posted. We are both excellent at strategy and execution and we share a passion for thinking and doing. However, she leans into the details where I gravitate toward the bigger picture.

In short, we compliment each other. Yet in a bizarre twist of fate, I became the CFO and she became the entrepreneur.

We do have a lot in common but our differences have pushed us to grow in ways that would otherwise never have been possible. This growth is enabled by a willingness to learn from one another, to be fully vulnerable with one another and to see ourselves as greater together than we are apart. It forms the scaffolding of a strong and resilient partnership. It also provides the blueprint for building organizations and cultures that will stand the test of time.

There’s no such thing as too much communication especially when it’s hard

My wife and I have gone through our highs and lows like everyone else. As with any close partnership, there is a natural ebb and flow. There are times when your desires and motivations as individuals push you apart and times when they pull you together. Constant communication gives us the elasticity to deal with this ebb and flow while continuing to move forward as individuals who are building something special together. 

The added benefit is that we have passed this on to our sons, who are extremely good about expressing their feelings, especially when they are most uncomfortable. This has been so critical during a tumultuous two years of online learning and social distancing, which has impacted so many aspects of their social and intellectual well-being. It hasn’t solved all of our challenges but it has made us aware of the proverbial molehills before they become insurmountable mountains.

My wife and I have always employed a form of Radical Candor. This is a term coined by Kim Scott, which has become a popular management philosophy around giving feedback. In its essence, radical candor is a communication style in which you care personally but challenge directly. In our home, it means we can talk about anything but still feel like we are in a safe place.  Celebrating the wins can be just as important as diagnosing the losses. But the crucial part is being able to speak clearly, specifically and sincerely about those things that make you most uneasy. That is the power of true communication.

This higher level of communication is uncommon in organizations. Most people feel vulnerable sharing their uncomfortable truths. The tendency is to gloss over them until they become too big to ignore. At this point, your options for resolution are usually limited. All too often, organizations cannot distinguish the symptoms of a problem from its root cause. This ultimately leads to inefficiency and ineffectiveness.

Building anything to last requires a level of openness, honesty and personal investment that alleviates this resistance to being vulnerable. This is true, whether it’s a family, an organization or a culture. The goal is for all parties to see the feedback loop as positive even when it involves constructive criticism. Ultimately, this dynamic tells you how good you really are at communicating.

Trust is built on mutual respect and shared experience

When my wife and I said our vows, neither of us realized that we were in for the ride of our lives. Yes, we had a good sense of the person we were marrying. But pretty much everything else required “on the job” learning. As two highly independent, naturally competitive and professionally driven people, it felt like we were both merging in the fast lane with a major blind spot. At times, it seemed like a car crash was inevitable.

Yet aligning around shared values and long term goals promotes strong mutual respect. This has given us the ability to navigate a seemingly endless number of obstacles - from being all consumed by work to being out of work; from struggling to carve out quality time for one another to enduring a year of lockdown; from managing logistics for two children with non-stop activities to adapting to online learning with two children always at home. 

Every relationship goes through changes and ours is no exception. But the deep respect we have for one another provides the necessary counterweight when things start to go out of balance. When our relationship is tested the most, it gives us the perspective to remember that “this too shall pass”. We know that what we are capable of building together is much bigger than what we could build on our own.

Mutual respect makes you blind to status, pedigree or position. It allows you to see each other as equals.

However, building trust takes more than just mutual respect, it requires you to share in the other’s  journey. You must open yourself to the experience of others and see things from their point of view. At times, you have to be willing to adapt your perceptions and actions when they come into conflict with those sharing the journey with you.

There’s no great mystery why people are quitting their jobs in record numbers. The single biggest reason is working for a bad manager. In the midst of extreme uncertainty, people have simply come to the conclusion that life is too short. Many managers do not have the training or lack the capacity to establish trust with their employees. They are ill prepared to operate with the humility and patience required to truly see others as equals. Instead, they see the journey through their own blinders and cannot embrace the experience of others. For too many of today’s leaders, relationships are one-way…

Their way.

The strongest cultures are built on trust. The strongest organizations have leaders who see trust as a two-way street. It is grounded in mutual respect and shared experience.

To support something larger, you must see the wins of others’ as your own

My wife recently published her first book. 

She’s received a tremendous response and has been featured in the window of Barnes & Nobles’ flagship store on 5th Avenue in New York for over eight months. As easy as it would be for me to be jealous of her accomplishment and the accolades she is receiving, I feel nothing but tremendous pride and excited anticipation for what lies ahead of her.

Her book is a product of passion, perseverance and a journey we took together. She is the first person to acknowledge that it wouldn’t have happened without my unwavering support and gentle nudging. Although she certainly did the heavy lifting, her win was my win as well.

Celebrating the accomplishments of others as if they were your own is one of the most selfless ways you can support them. It’s not a quality that all leaders possess but it is essential when you are building something that is bigger than you.

Being vulnerable is a sign of strength not weakness

Growing up, my wife learned to keep her emotions close to the chest. Expressing her feelings, especially those that made her most insecure, opened her up to people that could take advantage. Like many, she had been conditioned to wall herself off from others to avoid showing vulnerabilities that might be exploited.

I grew up between households. One fully embraced emotional expression while the other was much more closed off. Having this dichotomy in my life, I came to see “putting yourself out there” as one of the bravest things a person can do. Honestly, my wife and I never would’ve started dating nor would we have been able to manage three years of long distance if I hadn’t first opened myself up and steadily chipped away at the emotional walls she erected well before we met.

Putting yourself in a position of vulnerability illustrates strength. Of course, you take the risk of being hurt, used or disappointed. But you do so believing the benefit will be so much greater. You quickly realize the truth that people are much more apt to trust you when they know you have already taken the leap.

Your legacy does not begin and end with you

We all think about the legacy we want to leave. What do we want to be known for? Did we live a full life? Whose lives have we impacted for the better? Did we provide for those we care about the most?

It’s funny how your answers to these questions change when you have a family. A major lesson I have learned is that building a lasting legacy is only possible with the support of others. Knowing this, provides an invaluable perspective on what you build and how you build it.

When your legacy is not just about you, two things happen. First, it opens you up. You embrace others as you continually look to build your village. You are always more likely to expand your possibilities if you can see them through the eyes of others. Second, it opens others to you. Most of us are looking to be a part of something bigger than ourselves as long as we believe our contributions will be recognized.

Building a successful business is not a selfish endeavor

My wife occasionally gets stressed when I turn on the evening news. It seems like we’re inundated with examples of greed, self-dealing and self-interest. It would be easy to succumb to the belief that in order to get ahead in life, you have to look out for yourself. Similarly, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

Neither of us believes this. To the contrary, our relationship has taught us that building anything of lasting value requires selflessness and vulnerability. It necessitates communicating when it is hardest and having a strong sense of shared legacy. 

This is just as important when building a business. The reality is that what we build at home serves as the strongest foundation for what we build outside of it.

Take a moment to reflect on what your family has taught you about organization building. Whether positive or negative, we’ve all been shaped by what we’ve learned at home.

Email me at jsteele@flywheelassociates.com as I’d love to hear your thoughts.